She knew she had to call her family. They had to know the news of what happened finally reached her and she knew arrangements for travel must be made. Clearly she wasn't going to take her math test tonight that she had been stressing about. She rolled her eyes at herself for stressing out over something so small as a test. The day's events made her realize the insignificance of her worry.
Her coach spoke.
"When you're ready, call your sister, Jessica, instead of your mom."
Her thoughts when to her mom and dad in that moment. She let out a sigh then picked up the phone to call the familiar number of her middle sister. The call was answered almost immediately.
"Hello?"
"Hey."
"Are you okay, baby sister?"
"Yeah. I'll be okay. Are you?"
She knew how close her sister was to her brother, and she was worried how her sister was taking the news. "No" was all she heard, and the rest of the conversation was a blur. They made arrangements to meet halfway between Monroe and Valdosta. Her boyfriend, Steven, would drive her to the halfway point, and a teammate would follow behind them so he would have a way back to Valdosta. Her sister would leave shortly after their phone conversation would end, which meant packing would need to be done at a swift pace.
She wasn't quite sure how, but somehow she managed to make it back to her room. Her feet carried her down the familiar path from practice to the residence hall where she boarded, but her mind was absent from the journey. Steven left her at the door to her room promising to return in a few minutes to collect her and her things. He hurried down the hall to his own room and was gone from her sight.
When she opened the door she was relieved to find her roommate absent. She was thankful she wouldn't have to explain her current emotional state to anyone yet. They weren't close, in fact they didn't know each other at all. The only thing they had in common was sharing a bathroom. They slept in separate rooms and they rarely saw each other. She wasn't sure what to do next, but she decided a shower would be a good place to start. She wanted to wash away the grime from the afternoon's practice as well as wash away her tear-stained face. As she ran the water she decided to call a childhood friend to let her know what had happened. But when she went to dial the number, she couldn't do it. She knew she had to get the words out eventually, but she wasn't ready to verbalize it. She settled for a simple text message instead, hoping it would be the easier route. Ttyping the words made what seemed to be a terrible nightmare an actual reality. The words were painful to type, but she knew saying them out loud would have been worse. All she could manage to type was "He's gone" before she crumbled into a heap on the floor letting the sobs consume her once again.
She finished her shower only after she could physically cry no more. Steven had come to retrieve her as he promised and they walked to her car together. They had to stop for gas before leaving Valdosta. When they pulled into a nearby gas station, a familiar car was there waiting to follow them. Two of her friends had already heard what happened. They stood in front of her with tears in their eyes and a basket of food in their hands. She had forgotten to eat dinner and didn't recognize that fact until she saw the basket of food they were holding. They had been so thoughtful in their gift but were at a loss for words about what happened. She didn't know how to thank them for what they did for her. She knew her words wouldn't be able to convey her true feelings of their selfless act, but she settled with a simple "thank you." She knew the memory of that moment would be ingrained in her mind forever. With a hug and falling tears, they parted ways.
She didn't cry in the car. She had cried enough in front of more people than she would have cared to. She made up her mind during the long drive home that she would hold her tears in and would only let herself cry when she was alone. She needed to put her best face forward, and she was determined to remain sound and strong even though she didn't feel that way in that moment. She didn't ask any questions to anyone. She didn't ask how it happened. She didn't want to pain anyone further with what seemed like trivial questions. She knew the outcome would still always come out the same. Her brother wasn't coming home. Well, he would come home, but in a flag covered coffin.
Somehow she knew when he sent that last text message to her the moment before he boarded his plane he wasn't coming home. She hoped and prayed she was wrong, but her gut knew the truth already. God had been preparing her for this moment, this she was sure. She looked to Him for the strength she knew she didn't have on her own, held her chin up, and prepared herself for the longest two weeks of her life.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Monday, August 14, 2017
That Hot September Day
It was another hot day in South Georgia. Sticky and humid as it was though, practice continued on as it normally did. That day the girls met early to accommodate clas scheduling conflicts. She was given her mileage for the day, and as she began she hoped that the day's run would be better than all the others she had since school started. She seemed to be in a bit of a rut, but couldn't figure out what was going on. As usual, during the last 800 meters she decided to pick up the pace in hopes that her finishing kick on the long runs would transfer over to her race days. She always had a hard time putting herself into another gear at the end of a race, but she never had any difficulties at the end of a long run.
She waited until she heard her watch beep before she came to a stop. When she looked at her time, she was happy to see she had improved. "Finally, a good run," she thought to herself. She started back to the complex to quickly retrieve her things so she would have time to eat dinner before her math exam that evening. As she walked down the hall she noticed her boyfriend talking to another one of her temmates, but something about the conversation looked a little strange to her.
"Is everything okay?" she asked him.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm alright," he responded.
"Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem like you're okay."
"Yup. Everything's fine."
"Well, I don't believe you. I know you well enough to know when something is wrong, but I'll get it out of you soon, don't worry."
She had reached the hall where her things were stored in the closet, and unexpectedly she saw her coach heading straight toward her in a manner that was startling. She had never seen the look that she saw on his face before, especially not towards her. He had all of her belongings in his hand, and he threw her shirt toward her chest.
"Get your clothes back on and come with me right now."
She was out of her mind with worry wondering what on earth she had done wrong to cause her coach to act this way. As she put her shirt back on, she followed him to athletic office and into a conference room. There her eyes met the Athletic Director, the women's assistant basketball coach, the compliance coordinator, her coach, and her boyfriend. She was confused by what was happening, but she thought for sure she was being kicked off the team or being kicked out of the school. They had her sit down at the table, and her boyfriend and coach both took a chair on either side of her. She avoided eye contact with everyone but her coach. She looked at him with longing eyes, begging him to tell her what the meaning of all of this was. Choosing his words carefully as to not say the wrong thing, he began to tell her why she was there.
She remembered him saying that he had a call from her family because they couldn't reach her any other way. He mentioned something about her mother, but she didn't hear it because her mind was already whirling with visions of her mom being in a motorcycle accident. Hadn't her mom just taken a trip on a motorcycle? Was she okay? But when he kept speaking and made no further mention of her mom, she realized it must be something else. Hadn't he mentioned that she gave specific instructions about something? He said her boyfriend had to be with her when she was told the news. He didn't even have to say the words because she knew in that instant what had happened and why she was sitting in that room. The words confirmed her realization. "Your brother" was all she heard, and that was all she needed to know.
She sobbed.
Her heart wrenching sobs filled not only the room, but also the ears of those who were present. She never cried in front of others, but in that moment she didn't care who saw her and she didn't care who heard her. Her world had just been flipped upside down with the words she had feared since the day she found out her brother would be deployed. Her only brother, who she grew up with for 19 years, was gone. She would never hug him again, or hear him lovingly call her baby sister. She knew he would never respond to her last letter, or hear how his feet were healing after running a half marathon in his new shoes. She would never again see him as she turned a corner on a cross country course wearing his crooked smile, or hear him call out while she ran past him.
She knew how much it pained her coach to be the deliverer of such news, and she felt sorry that he had to shoulder that burden. She knew in that moment her coach would never be the same, but she was thankful that he had the courage to do what no other person would willingly want to do. After what felt like hours, she composed herself and stood to take her leave. She knew the next steps would be difficult ones to take, but there was no way around it. Through the wilderness she went, taking her grief with her. She knew it would be a long journey, but she would make it to the other side. She just had to remember how to put one foot in front of the other first.
She waited until she heard her watch beep before she came to a stop. When she looked at her time, she was happy to see she had improved. "Finally, a good run," she thought to herself. She started back to the complex to quickly retrieve her things so she would have time to eat dinner before her math exam that evening. As she walked down the hall she noticed her boyfriend talking to another one of her temmates, but something about the conversation looked a little strange to her.
"Is everything okay?" she asked him.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm alright," he responded.
"Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem like you're okay."
"Yup. Everything's fine."
"Well, I don't believe you. I know you well enough to know when something is wrong, but I'll get it out of you soon, don't worry."
She had reached the hall where her things were stored in the closet, and unexpectedly she saw her coach heading straight toward her in a manner that was startling. She had never seen the look that she saw on his face before, especially not towards her. He had all of her belongings in his hand, and he threw her shirt toward her chest.
"Get your clothes back on and come with me right now."
She was out of her mind with worry wondering what on earth she had done wrong to cause her coach to act this way. As she put her shirt back on, she followed him to athletic office and into a conference room. There her eyes met the Athletic Director, the women's assistant basketball coach, the compliance coordinator, her coach, and her boyfriend. She was confused by what was happening, but she thought for sure she was being kicked off the team or being kicked out of the school. They had her sit down at the table, and her boyfriend and coach both took a chair on either side of her. She avoided eye contact with everyone but her coach. She looked at him with longing eyes, begging him to tell her what the meaning of all of this was. Choosing his words carefully as to not say the wrong thing, he began to tell her why she was there.
She remembered him saying that he had a call from her family because they couldn't reach her any other way. He mentioned something about her mother, but she didn't hear it because her mind was already whirling with visions of her mom being in a motorcycle accident. Hadn't her mom just taken a trip on a motorcycle? Was she okay? But when he kept speaking and made no further mention of her mom, she realized it must be something else. Hadn't he mentioned that she gave specific instructions about something? He said her boyfriend had to be with her when she was told the news. He didn't even have to say the words because she knew in that instant what had happened and why she was sitting in that room. The words confirmed her realization. "Your brother" was all she heard, and that was all she needed to know.
She sobbed.
Her heart wrenching sobs filled not only the room, but also the ears of those who were present. She never cried in front of others, but in that moment she didn't care who saw her and she didn't care who heard her. Her world had just been flipped upside down with the words she had feared since the day she found out her brother would be deployed. Her only brother, who she grew up with for 19 years, was gone. She would never hug him again, or hear him lovingly call her baby sister. She knew he would never respond to her last letter, or hear how his feet were healing after running a half marathon in his new shoes. She would never again see him as she turned a corner on a cross country course wearing his crooked smile, or hear him call out while she ran past him.
She knew how much it pained her coach to be the deliverer of such news, and she felt sorry that he had to shoulder that burden. She knew in that moment her coach would never be the same, but she was thankful that he had the courage to do what no other person would willingly want to do. After what felt like hours, she composed herself and stood to take her leave. She knew the next steps would be difficult ones to take, but there was no way around it. Through the wilderness she went, taking her grief with her. She knew it would be a long journey, but she would make it to the other side. She just had to remember how to put one foot in front of the other first.
Monday, July 11, 2016
"God Cares for You More Than You Care for You"
Friends,
I write this because my heart is so truly broken by all that I see passing through my social media newsfeeds. I cannot pretend to know how each individual is affected by what is going on in the world today. All I know is how this affects my heart and I want to share this with you now, if you'll let me. God aligns things in his perfect timing, and what better time than now for Him to teach us about anger and love than in these past few weeks at church. This post is mainly speaking to followers of Christ, or people who call themselves Christians, but I think everyone should hear it.
We are called to love one another. I know this is easier said than done most times, but it's something that takes work. This doesn't happen over night, trust me. It's a bumpy road filled with holes that has been traveled so often by so many, but no one seems to want to take the time to patch the holes because it costs so much...time. 1 John 3:11-23 says this:
I write this because my heart is so truly broken by all that I see passing through my social media newsfeeds. I cannot pretend to know how each individual is affected by what is going on in the world today. All I know is how this affects my heart and I want to share this with you now, if you'll let me. God aligns things in his perfect timing, and what better time than now for Him to teach us about anger and love than in these past few weeks at church. This post is mainly speaking to followers of Christ, or people who call themselves Christians, but I think everyone should hear it.
We are called to love one another. I know this is easier said than done most times, but it's something that takes work. This doesn't happen over night, trust me. It's a bumpy road filled with holes that has been traveled so often by so many, but no one seems to want to take the time to patch the holes because it costs so much...time. 1 John 3:11-23 says this:
Love One Another
"This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another. We must not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and killed his brother. And why did he kill him? Because Cain had been doing what was evil, and his brother had been doing what was righteous. So don't be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.
If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead. Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them.
We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion--how can God's love be in that person?
Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.
Dear friends, if we don't feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do things that please him. And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us. Those who obey God's commandments remain in fellowship with him, and he with them. And we know he lives in us because the Spirit he gave us lives in us."
Now, this passage is specifically written for believers. 1 John is written to reassure Christians in their faith and to counter false teachings ("I have written this to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life." 1 John 5:13), but that doesn't mean others can't learn from this passage as well. Don't just totally write this off. Talk is cheap people. You can proclaim things all you want, but can you actually live out what you proclaim? You claim you love, but do you really? When I see so many of my Christian friends saying such hurtful things about individuals or a group of individuals, it hurts me down to my core. You don't have to understand why people do the things they do, but you do have to love them. You were commanded to do so. You don't have to agree, but you have to love. You have to pray for the courage to do so. Your heart should crumble at the thought of someone not having love in their heart. You should pray for the lost, for the confused, for the hurt; for the people who look like they have it all figured out but who are really hurting inside. If you don't, you put your heart at risk of turning cold, seething with bitterness and anger. Anger is a natural instinct. We all feel it at times. But what do you do when that feeling starts to well up inside of you? James 1:19-27 says this:
Listening and Doing
"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.
But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.
If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."
Anger is human nature, but to let it overcome you and make you think unspeakable things is just as bad as you acting on those feelings. You are giving Satan an opportunity to weasel his way into your life and whisper things to your heart that your mind might just be inclined to let you act upon. When you wake in the morning, you must remember to put on the full armor of God. Ephesians 6:10-18 says this:
The Whole Armor of God
"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."
As believers, I know you've all heard it before, but I'm going to say it again. You might be the only example of God someone sees, and your credibility as a light to his kingdom to that person is instantly tarnished the moment you let your tongue run rampant or let your anger overcome you. We've all done it, myself included, but I hope that your actions immediately made you regret and I hope you've asked for forgiveness. We live in a world where the darkness and shadows often obscure the light, but don't let your light be snuffed out by that which looms all around us. I often think back to a popular show on TV (which I happen to enjoy watching), Once Upon a Time (stay with me here, I have a point) and how Emma Swan (a main character) becomes "the dark one." On the show she is considered "the savior" who usually saves the town or individuals from becoming conquered by the "evil" characters on the show. When she became "the dark one," she tried to resist the darkness in order to stay true to the her innate goodness. She fails at times, which anyone would understandably, but she didn't give up. When evil comes at us from all sides, constantly trying to bang down our doors and break down our barriers, we need to be persistent in fighting for what we know is good and true. We cannot give Satan any hold over us, for he will feast on us gladly! Love conquers all, more true, God's love conquers all. The war is already won. God has already written the story, we know the ending. Are you going to keep fighting for the winning side, or are you going to keep fighting for the opposing side?
As a recap, Christianity is a religion of the heart; outward compliance alone is not enough (1 John 3:15). Real love is an action, not a feeling (1 John 3:16). Selfish anger NEVER helps anybody. Anger that comes from our own ego being bruised (I am hurt, My opinions are not being heard...me, me, me, I, I, I...) is not acceptable! But we should be angry when injustice and sin occur because others are being hurt (James 1:19, 20). To withstand attacks brought forth by the devil himself, we MUST (not we SHOULD) depend on God's strength and use every piece of his armor (Ephesians 6:10-17).
If we all shared Christ's love on a daily basis as we should; if we all carried out Christ's love on a daily basis as we should; if we all treated each other with Christ's love as we should; then maybe our world would be a little better off than it is now. Let's stop being so selfish thinking about our own wants, our own needs, our own desires. What does your neighbor need? Let's start there.
If you don't know Christ's love already, would you be willing to give him a chance to love you? Would you be willing to love him back? What do you have to lose?
Oh, but what do you have to gain?
"I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on either side." Psalms 3:6
Monday, January 4, 2016
A Dead Seed
For my birthday this year, Pinky, my sister, gave me an absolutely adorable agenda to help organize my chaotic life. I've bought planners for myself in the past and I always end up writing all of my important dates down in it, but then I hardly ever use it again. Fortunately, she bought me a planner that I will most definitely use. She purchased it from Whitney Todd of jitneysjournes.co (which you can find at at www.etsy.jitneysjourneys.com) and I've never had a prettier planner before. What makes it so unique and why I'm raving about it is because it is not only functional, but it is faith-based. Each week of each month she has "Dwell Richly Verses" in which to meditate on throughout the week, which I think is fantastic because she brings your focus down to one thing alone instead of a bunch of stuff all at once. You're probably like me working a full-time job, going to school full-time, chasing after two munchkins under the age of 3, trying to maintain a household, and trying to keep a good marriage with your awesome spouse....wait, no you're probably not that crazy. But either way, you are probably just as busy (if not more) and sometimes when there's too much stuff, things tend to get lost in the jumble.
I think this planner was just what I needed because it's going to give me a guideline of where to start some independent study time in my favorite study Bible. In fact, I started yesterday and that is why I'm back after a few years hiatus (again). This is more for me than it is for you, and let's just be clear that I'm just an ordinary person studying on my own and these are my interpretations of what these verses mean to me. They could mean something totally different to you, and these verses could speak to you in a different way than they've spoken to me. That would be why this is called the living word. Ya dig?
Week 1 started off with a verse from 1 Corinthians 15:58: "So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." (NLT)
Whitney chose to highlight a portion of the verse: "...Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord..."
This verse prompted me not to solely focus on this passage alone, but rather to read all of chapter 15. This chapter is titled The Resurrection of Christ and is one portion of a letter that Paul writes to the Christians living in Corinth. These Christians were living in an environment surrounded by corruption and every sin under the sun and they were having a difficult time remaining true to their christian beliefs because of what was going on around them, as any person would. I say this last part because I think it is important to remember that Christians are human as well, meaning they may still give in to temptations they know they shouldn't give into. Their conscience will beat them up about it and they will repent, and they will have to draw closer to God in order to resist those temptations. I've found that people tend to believe Christians should be perfect and blameless, but I'm here to tell you that is an unfair judgement and accusation. We are no more perfect than the person who doesn't have Christ in their life, but the difference is that we have the Holy Spirit within us tugging and pulling at us when we make poor decisions. Thank goodness the judgmental are not the actual judge like Jesus is, otherwise there would be no promise for us in Heaven because no one would ever meet those expectations of perfection. The only person who is perfect and blameless is Jesus, and He is the reason I'm writing all of this right now. Paul is answering multiple questions the Christians of Corinth are asking, and in this particular chapter the question is how will the dead be raised and what kind of bodies will they have.
1 Corinthians 15:35-39: "But someone may ask, "How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?" What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn't grow into a plant unless it dies first. And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have. A different plant grows from each kind of seed. Similarly there are different kinds of flesh--one kind for humans, another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish."
Don't get caught up in the fact that Paul says a plant doesn't grow unless it dies first. I know what you're thinking...well, nothing will grow if it's dead. And don't go and Google it, unless you want to--it is a common question, and a seed is alive but it's dormant and only grows under the right conditions. I think the awesome thing about the Bible is that is has so many analogies to help us understand what is trying to be conveyed by the author. I wish I had such great analogies..but I don't. Paul is comparing us to the seed--each of us are different, none of us are the same. When we accept Christ into our lives, he will begin to nurture us and we will begin to grow and blossom into something new. Our old shell dies away, and instead of growing into something from our past life, we're growing into something different from our new life. This not only symbolizes what our bodies will look like after being resurrected, but this can also symbolize what our life on earth looks like after we accept God into our heart. We shed our old shell of a life and become something beautiful. Not to say that nothing bad will ever come our way--even plants and flowers have bad days. Animals try to eat them, dogs pee on them, people step on them.The weather may get cold and freeze them or hot and scorch them, the wind might blow so hard it's difficult for them to stand tall, etc. But the flower keeps going despite these things and occasionally it may flourish under the most extreme circumstance. It continues to be beautiful, a sight for sore eyes. Much like we should try to continue to do, even under the most difficult times.
"So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable, Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." 1 Corinthians 15:58
I think this planner was just what I needed because it's going to give me a guideline of where to start some independent study time in my favorite study Bible. In fact, I started yesterday and that is why I'm back after a few years hiatus (again). This is more for me than it is for you, and let's just be clear that I'm just an ordinary person studying on my own and these are my interpretations of what these verses mean to me. They could mean something totally different to you, and these verses could speak to you in a different way than they've spoken to me. That would be why this is called the living word. Ya dig?
Week 1 started off with a verse from 1 Corinthians 15:58: "So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." (NLT)
Whitney chose to highlight a portion of the verse: "...Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord..."
This verse prompted me not to solely focus on this passage alone, but rather to read all of chapter 15. This chapter is titled The Resurrection of Christ and is one portion of a letter that Paul writes to the Christians living in Corinth. These Christians were living in an environment surrounded by corruption and every sin under the sun and they were having a difficult time remaining true to their christian beliefs because of what was going on around them, as any person would. I say this last part because I think it is important to remember that Christians are human as well, meaning they may still give in to temptations they know they shouldn't give into. Their conscience will beat them up about it and they will repent, and they will have to draw closer to God in order to resist those temptations. I've found that people tend to believe Christians should be perfect and blameless, but I'm here to tell you that is an unfair judgement and accusation. We are no more perfect than the person who doesn't have Christ in their life, but the difference is that we have the Holy Spirit within us tugging and pulling at us when we make poor decisions. Thank goodness the judgmental are not the actual judge like Jesus is, otherwise there would be no promise for us in Heaven because no one would ever meet those expectations of perfection. The only person who is perfect and blameless is Jesus, and He is the reason I'm writing all of this right now. Paul is answering multiple questions the Christians of Corinth are asking, and in this particular chapter the question is how will the dead be raised and what kind of bodies will they have.
1 Corinthians 15:35-39: "But someone may ask, "How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?" What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn't grow into a plant unless it dies first. And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have. A different plant grows from each kind of seed. Similarly there are different kinds of flesh--one kind for humans, another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish."
Don't get caught up in the fact that Paul says a plant doesn't grow unless it dies first. I know what you're thinking...well, nothing will grow if it's dead. And don't go and Google it, unless you want to--it is a common question, and a seed is alive but it's dormant and only grows under the right conditions. I think the awesome thing about the Bible is that is has so many analogies to help us understand what is trying to be conveyed by the author. I wish I had such great analogies..but I don't. Paul is comparing us to the seed--each of us are different, none of us are the same. When we accept Christ into our lives, he will begin to nurture us and we will begin to grow and blossom into something new. Our old shell dies away, and instead of growing into something from our past life, we're growing into something different from our new life. This not only symbolizes what our bodies will look like after being resurrected, but this can also symbolize what our life on earth looks like after we accept God into our heart. We shed our old shell of a life and become something beautiful. Not to say that nothing bad will ever come our way--even plants and flowers have bad days. Animals try to eat them, dogs pee on them, people step on them.The weather may get cold and freeze them or hot and scorch them, the wind might blow so hard it's difficult for them to stand tall, etc. But the flower keeps going despite these things and occasionally it may flourish under the most extreme circumstance. It continues to be beautiful, a sight for sore eyes. Much like we should try to continue to do, even under the most difficult times.
"So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable, Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." 1 Corinthians 15:58
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Reflections
Well of course I would post a little something because we hit another milestone in our lives in June! Perhaps I should write about our whole experience with having Noah...mainly because I'm still pretty mindblown about the whole thing, and duh, I'd love to share! Maybe one day...hahaha.
June 28th marked our one year anniversary. Sure, It's just a year, and we have a while before we (hopefully, God willing) make it to the golden anniversary, but this year has seriously been such a huge blessing. Like, our cups have been overflowing all year long, it's just crazy! All within one year we've gotten married (obviously), gotten our first apartment together, I graduated with my bachelor's degree, we became aunt and uncle, I got my first "big girl" job, we had Noah, Steven graduated with his Master's, and he found out that he'll be the Assistant Cross Country Coach for GCSU. It's been a lot to take in, honestly. I still cannot believe how fast this year has gone by, and I know that's how the rest of my life is going to be--one big fast blur. Noah is growing so fast, it makes me so incredibly sad, happy, and proud all at the same time. I guess the emotional rollercoaster ride didn't stop post-pregnancy, and I guess that's a new thing that I'm going to have to learn to deal with (because I used to NOT be overly emotional).
I have been incredibly blessed with such a sweet husband. God honestly knew what he was doing when he placed Steven in my life 8 1/2 years ago. We've always loved and cared from each other from the start, although I know he didn't like my choice in music (Metallica, System of a Down, Bright Eyes, Smile Empty Soul, Story of the Year, just to name a few..bahaha) and I know he didn't like my baby blue hightops that I colored in with my pens, he was willing to look past all that and love me for me. One thing that has ALWAYS bothered me is the way people say how much they want a relationship like ours. Uh, why? Our relationship has been less than perfect, trust me. Most people don't know the whole story, and I'm honestly not willing to share the details because there's no need. We've made our share of mistakes and had a few detours here and there, but they've all helped shape and mold our relationship into what it is now. Don't think I haven't cried myself to sleep over a silly college-aged boy, because trust me, there was a point where I cried myself to sleep every night for a good year. Surprised to hear such things? You shouldn't be. No relationship is perfect, and it doesn't come easy. It's actually a lot of hard work, and if you're not willing to put it in, then you should pack your bags and head for high ground because you will not survive the whiplashes of a relationship, let alone a marriage.
A lot has happened in the past 8 1/2 years we've been together. I think the toughest rut we went through together was when my brother was killed. My world was rocked when my college cross country coach had to be the one to deliver the news to me, and I'm sure that probably took a huge toll on him emotionally as well (thanks Todd, for being strong enough to tell me). Steven had hardly seen me cry up until that point, and I cried for at least an hour before I could even move myself from the room to go pack my bags for the toughest 2 weeks of my life. Steven has told me that he thought I would never be the same after that. He was afraid he'd never see me smile again, and that I would never be able to laugh and have fun the way I always do. Lucky for him, he was the one who helped me find Jesus when I was a junior in high school (which at that point I thought was the worst year of my life..what a sissy I am!) and Jesus is the one who kept me together and brought me back to my normal self. Steven never complained, although I know he felt so helpless when I would just look at him and burst into tears at the most random times. I don't know what I would have done without Steven in that time. Yes, I had my heavenly comfort, but sometimes you just need another person to physically be there for you. So, thank you for that, my darling, for sticking by my side even when you thought you lost "me."
Everyone makes marriage out to be the happily ever after that you see at the end of all those movies. Hollywood tries to make it seem like it's all warm and fuzzy with sunshine and rainbows all the time. Well, reality check, it's really not. You're not going to be happy with your permanent roommate every day of your life. It's bound to happen that one of you is going to make a stupid remark that sets the other person over the edge. You'll get mean faces thrown at you, sarcasm will go flying, and then there's the silent treatment (which, I'm pretty good at apparently) that seriously infuriates the other person. But at the end of the day, you have to make a point to forgive the other person, but you have to apologize as well. It takes two to tango. More than likely than not, that fight you just had involved two parties, and both should be begging each other for forgiveness. I'm not going to say I'm always the first to apologize, and I'm not going to say that I never point the finger and put the blame on Steven for things, because then I'd be lying to not only y'all, but to myself. It's tough admitting to yourself that you're probably the one who started all that mess when it's so much easier to throw the blame on the other person. We never go to bed upset with each other, that's our biggest rule. You're not guaranteed another second on this earth. You wouldn't want your last night with your loved one to end with a fight, would you? I know I wouldn't.
At our wedding, instead of doing the unity candles or pouring sand into a glass like everyone else does, we did something different. We decided that we wanted to wash each others feet, as a sign of servitude towards each other. You can't be a good leader unless you are a servant first. Servants have humble hearts, and humble leaders are much easier to follow than pig-headed leaders who think they are over you. We are each others equals, and we take care of each other. We split the load so that neither of us will be crushed under the weight of it. And when we can't handle the load, then we both throw the load to God because he is more than capable of carrying our burdens. I'm not worried about our future because I know our future rests in good hands and I know the both of us will be provided with the things that we need in life.
I'm thankful that we were able to make such a beautiful covenant with each other. We're stuck with each other forever, through the good times and the bad. I honestly couldn't have picked a better person to go through life's winding road with, and I look forward to all the memories that we're going to make in the future.
June 28th marked our one year anniversary. Sure, It's just a year, and we have a while before we (hopefully, God willing) make it to the golden anniversary, but this year has seriously been such a huge blessing. Like, our cups have been overflowing all year long, it's just crazy! All within one year we've gotten married (obviously), gotten our first apartment together, I graduated with my bachelor's degree, we became aunt and uncle, I got my first "big girl" job, we had Noah, Steven graduated with his Master's, and he found out that he'll be the Assistant Cross Country Coach for GCSU. It's been a lot to take in, honestly. I still cannot believe how fast this year has gone by, and I know that's how the rest of my life is going to be--one big fast blur. Noah is growing so fast, it makes me so incredibly sad, happy, and proud all at the same time. I guess the emotional rollercoaster ride didn't stop post-pregnancy, and I guess that's a new thing that I'm going to have to learn to deal with (because I used to NOT be overly emotional).
I have been incredibly blessed with such a sweet husband. God honestly knew what he was doing when he placed Steven in my life 8 1/2 years ago. We've always loved and cared from each other from the start, although I know he didn't like my choice in music (Metallica, System of a Down, Bright Eyes, Smile Empty Soul, Story of the Year, just to name a few..bahaha) and I know he didn't like my baby blue hightops that I colored in with my pens, he was willing to look past all that and love me for me. One thing that has ALWAYS bothered me is the way people say how much they want a relationship like ours. Uh, why? Our relationship has been less than perfect, trust me. Most people don't know the whole story, and I'm honestly not willing to share the details because there's no need. We've made our share of mistakes and had a few detours here and there, but they've all helped shape and mold our relationship into what it is now. Don't think I haven't cried myself to sleep over a silly college-aged boy, because trust me, there was a point where I cried myself to sleep every night for a good year. Surprised to hear such things? You shouldn't be. No relationship is perfect, and it doesn't come easy. It's actually a lot of hard work, and if you're not willing to put it in, then you should pack your bags and head for high ground because you will not survive the whiplashes of a relationship, let alone a marriage.
A lot has happened in the past 8 1/2 years we've been together. I think the toughest rut we went through together was when my brother was killed. My world was rocked when my college cross country coach had to be the one to deliver the news to me, and I'm sure that probably took a huge toll on him emotionally as well (thanks Todd, for being strong enough to tell me). Steven had hardly seen me cry up until that point, and I cried for at least an hour before I could even move myself from the room to go pack my bags for the toughest 2 weeks of my life. Steven has told me that he thought I would never be the same after that. He was afraid he'd never see me smile again, and that I would never be able to laugh and have fun the way I always do. Lucky for him, he was the one who helped me find Jesus when I was a junior in high school (which at that point I thought was the worst year of my life..what a sissy I am!) and Jesus is the one who kept me together and brought me back to my normal self. Steven never complained, although I know he felt so helpless when I would just look at him and burst into tears at the most random times. I don't know what I would have done without Steven in that time. Yes, I had my heavenly comfort, but sometimes you just need another person to physically be there for you. So, thank you for that, my darling, for sticking by my side even when you thought you lost "me."
Everyone makes marriage out to be the happily ever after that you see at the end of all those movies. Hollywood tries to make it seem like it's all warm and fuzzy with sunshine and rainbows all the time. Well, reality check, it's really not. You're not going to be happy with your permanent roommate every day of your life. It's bound to happen that one of you is going to make a stupid remark that sets the other person over the edge. You'll get mean faces thrown at you, sarcasm will go flying, and then there's the silent treatment (which, I'm pretty good at apparently) that seriously infuriates the other person. But at the end of the day, you have to make a point to forgive the other person, but you have to apologize as well. It takes two to tango. More than likely than not, that fight you just had involved two parties, and both should be begging each other for forgiveness. I'm not going to say I'm always the first to apologize, and I'm not going to say that I never point the finger and put the blame on Steven for things, because then I'd be lying to not only y'all, but to myself. It's tough admitting to yourself that you're probably the one who started all that mess when it's so much easier to throw the blame on the other person. We never go to bed upset with each other, that's our biggest rule. You're not guaranteed another second on this earth. You wouldn't want your last night with your loved one to end with a fight, would you? I know I wouldn't.
At our wedding, instead of doing the unity candles or pouring sand into a glass like everyone else does, we did something different. We decided that we wanted to wash each others feet, as a sign of servitude towards each other. You can't be a good leader unless you are a servant first. Servants have humble hearts, and humble leaders are much easier to follow than pig-headed leaders who think they are over you. We are each others equals, and we take care of each other. We split the load so that neither of us will be crushed under the weight of it. And when we can't handle the load, then we both throw the load to God because he is more than capable of carrying our burdens. I'm not worried about our future because I know our future rests in good hands and I know the both of us will be provided with the things that we need in life.
I'm thankful that we were able to make such a beautiful covenant with each other. We're stuck with each other forever, through the good times and the bad. I honestly couldn't have picked a better person to go through life's winding road with, and I look forward to all the memories that we're going to make in the future.
Monday, May 6, 2013
I think I can?
Whoa nelly! Hold the phones. Two posts in one week! Either I'm just trying to find something to fill up my time while Noah sleeps, or the world is seriously ending. We'll go with the first one, just because I don't want the world to end just yet!
I guess I really more just wanted to write a post today because I actually went out to exercise for the first time in a really, really looooooooong time. Let me tell you, trying to exercise after you've been pregnant for 9 months is definitely a huge challenge. For me, the challenge really isn't the motivation to actually get out there and do something--it's trying not to beat myself up because I'm a time person. I don't care about where I place in a race--I want a good time; I want to run the fastest I've ever run. And at this point in time, that really has to take the back burner. My "workout" this morning was a very humbling one--probably the most humbling workout I've ever had in the 8 years of competitive running. It makes me so sad to see where I was in November 2011 and where I am now shape-wise. Yes people, I know I just had a baby almost 3 weeks ago, and I know it takes TIME to get back into shape--I really do get that, I promise. Why it makes me sad is because I never truly understood how stinkin' tiny I was prior to getting pregnant, and I honestly took it for granted. People would constantly tell me how small I was, and I would just brush them off because I didn't see myself how others saw me. I didn't see myself how others saw me until I was standing in my closet one day a few months ago in tears because nothing fit and I felt like a beached whale. Yes, nothing fit because I was like 5 months pregnant, but I wondered how I ever fit into those clothes in the first place. I've always been pretty self-conscious about how I look, and I get even more self-conscious when people make comments about how I look..even if what was said was totally meant as a compliment. I mean, I've always felt so awkward, and not so tiny at all. But now, looking back, at 5"11 and somewhere between 124-130 pounds, that's pretty stinkin' tiny! By the time my pregnancy was over, I weighed somewhere around 170 pounds (holy cow), and after I had Noah I was 149 pounds (I haven't stepped on a scale since). Honestly, weighing in the 140's to 150's is probably where I'm supposed to be for my height, right? I still don't like that, but I am so thankful that I'm "small" again because I have some wardrobe options now and I can move a whole lot faster than I could when I was pregnant. My size 4 jeans though..I'l get back into you without sucking in as much as I possibly can just to button you. One day, I will dominate you.
But anyway, back to my workout this morning, since that's the real reason I'm writing this. Like I said, I'm a time person. I'm not really a fan of walking, and I'm not really a fan of running a 10 minute mile because I know I can run so much faster than that. When I was in shape, I was clocking off 7:00-7:30 mile pace on my easy runs, and I could run 8 miles under an hour (and leave my coach in the dust at the end of the run because he didn't realize that I was picking up the pace..haha, right Todd?). Right now, all of that seems like it's a million miles away, far, far from my reach. And you know what? After this morning, I decided that was okay. I knew starting back was going to be difficult, but I didn't really prepare myself mentally for what I was getting myself into. As much as I didn't want to, I decided I would start off with a 10 minute walk as a warm-up, and then I'd run at least 1 mile and finish up with another 10 minute walk for a cool-down. Easy peasy, right? Well, sometimes, plans change mid-workout. I couldn't even run longer than 4.5 minutes. 4 minutes 30 seconds. What? Sure, I probably could have run longer than that, but anyone who knows me well enough knows that hills are NOT my favorite friend. And that hill this morning defeated me. I did make it to the top without stopping, I was determined to do that, but I don't think I could have made it much further. Thinking about it, and saying that I could only run for that long makes me so ashamed, but at the same time, I'm not running for anyone else anymore. I'm clearly doing this just for me, and if I can only run that long for right now, that's okay because it won't be like that forever. Anyone who has been through the child-birthing experience knows how much you had to put your body through, and how much your body lost. I'm honestly probably still recovering from the whole ordeal, and I could tell that as soon as I took that first running step. My body was worn out after a whopping 20 minutes, but it felt so amazing to be working up a sweat again. I've always felt my best after a grueling workout, and I've always thought I look the best after I've pretty much just left everything I had out on a cross country course or a track and look like death. Sweat, dirt, bugs and all, I feel like I look my best at my worst.
Today was the hardest workout I've ever had, but I know it can only get better and easier from here.
I guess I really more just wanted to write a post today because I actually went out to exercise for the first time in a really, really looooooooong time. Let me tell you, trying to exercise after you've been pregnant for 9 months is definitely a huge challenge. For me, the challenge really isn't the motivation to actually get out there and do something--it's trying not to beat myself up because I'm a time person. I don't care about where I place in a race--I want a good time; I want to run the fastest I've ever run. And at this point in time, that really has to take the back burner. My "workout" this morning was a very humbling one--probably the most humbling workout I've ever had in the 8 years of competitive running. It makes me so sad to see where I was in November 2011 and where I am now shape-wise. Yes people, I know I just had a baby almost 3 weeks ago, and I know it takes TIME to get back into shape--I really do get that, I promise. Why it makes me sad is because I never truly understood how stinkin' tiny I was prior to getting pregnant, and I honestly took it for granted. People would constantly tell me how small I was, and I would just brush them off because I didn't see myself how others saw me. I didn't see myself how others saw me until I was standing in my closet one day a few months ago in tears because nothing fit and I felt like a beached whale. Yes, nothing fit because I was like 5 months pregnant, but I wondered how I ever fit into those clothes in the first place. I've always been pretty self-conscious about how I look, and I get even more self-conscious when people make comments about how I look..even if what was said was totally meant as a compliment. I mean, I've always felt so awkward, and not so tiny at all. But now, looking back, at 5"11 and somewhere between 124-130 pounds, that's pretty stinkin' tiny! By the time my pregnancy was over, I weighed somewhere around 170 pounds (holy cow), and after I had Noah I was 149 pounds (I haven't stepped on a scale since). Honestly, weighing in the 140's to 150's is probably where I'm supposed to be for my height, right? I still don't like that, but I am so thankful that I'm "small" again because I have some wardrobe options now and I can move a whole lot faster than I could when I was pregnant. My size 4 jeans though..I'l get back into you without sucking in as much as I possibly can just to button you. One day, I will dominate you.
But anyway, back to my workout this morning, since that's the real reason I'm writing this. Like I said, I'm a time person. I'm not really a fan of walking, and I'm not really a fan of running a 10 minute mile because I know I can run so much faster than that. When I was in shape, I was clocking off 7:00-7:30 mile pace on my easy runs, and I could run 8 miles under an hour (and leave my coach in the dust at the end of the run because he didn't realize that I was picking up the pace..haha, right Todd?). Right now, all of that seems like it's a million miles away, far, far from my reach. And you know what? After this morning, I decided that was okay. I knew starting back was going to be difficult, but I didn't really prepare myself mentally for what I was getting myself into. As much as I didn't want to, I decided I would start off with a 10 minute walk as a warm-up, and then I'd run at least 1 mile and finish up with another 10 minute walk for a cool-down. Easy peasy, right? Well, sometimes, plans change mid-workout. I couldn't even run longer than 4.5 minutes. 4 minutes 30 seconds. What? Sure, I probably could have run longer than that, but anyone who knows me well enough knows that hills are NOT my favorite friend. And that hill this morning defeated me. I did make it to the top without stopping, I was determined to do that, but I don't think I could have made it much further. Thinking about it, and saying that I could only run for that long makes me so ashamed, but at the same time, I'm not running for anyone else anymore. I'm clearly doing this just for me, and if I can only run that long for right now, that's okay because it won't be like that forever. Anyone who has been through the child-birthing experience knows how much you had to put your body through, and how much your body lost. I'm honestly probably still recovering from the whole ordeal, and I could tell that as soon as I took that first running step. My body was worn out after a whopping 20 minutes, but it felt so amazing to be working up a sweat again. I've always felt my best after a grueling workout, and I've always thought I look the best after I've pretty much just left everything I had out on a cross country course or a track and look like death. Sweat, dirt, bugs and all, I feel like I look my best at my worst.
Today was the hardest workout I've ever had, but I know it can only get better and easier from here.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
And we meet again.
Can I start off by saying that it drives me totally bananas that the date on this thing isn't centered over this whole post? Because I just did, and it does drive me bonkers. I'm sure I can probably change it, but since I'm not super tech savvy, I have no idea how to even do that. I mean, I struggled trying to figure out how to change things on here this time, and last time...what makes me think I could figure something like that out? Oh yea, I can't.
Surprise, surprise, it's been four months since I've posted anything. So much has happened since then, it's been like a whirlwind. Honestly, I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I knew I'd love my kid, but I never honestly thought I could love someone so tiny so incredibly much. I mean, I thought I blew my socks off after Steven and I got married because I love him more and more as every day passes. But this little guy? He's been in my life for like 2 weeks, and I already ache thinking about when he's going to be all grown up and fall in love with the girl he ends up marrying. But thank goodness I get him for at least the next 18 years of his life. I never planned on spoiling him with frivolous things, but I do plan on spoiling him rotten with some sweet lovins (yes, I know that's not a word, get over it).
I think becoming a mom is something you'll never really get used to because things are constantly changing every day, and you're always learning something new. I thought I learned how not to get peed on, but then it happened 3 other times, and we through a poop in there once just for giggles (yea, I wasn't really laughing). Obviously, I still have a lot to learn in that department, but we're doing fine for right now. I do feel much better now though knowing that I've already gone through labor once. I know I can definitely do it again, especially if my delivery goes how it went this past time. At first, I originally thought that Noah would come before my due date--like, I was almost positive he would. But as time got closer and closer, I realized he definitely wasn't going to come early! Steven said Punkin' would wait until one day later, just to spite me, and he ended up being right (don't you hate it when that happens???). We went to our last doctor's appointment on my due date, the 16th of April, and we were just hoping that I had made some kind of progress. I mean, we had just gone that Friday (the 12th) and I wasn't doing anything at all--no dilating, no effacing, nada--which was kind of disheartening. The doctor ended up telling us that I was 1-2 cm dilated, and 80-90% effaced. I didn't know what it all meant, but he told us that he could schedule me to be induced on Thursday (the 16th was a Tuesday), but he was pretty sure I would go either that night or the next day. Panic, freak out mode ensues. At that point, reality hit, and I realized we were about to have this little nugget. I was about to be responsible for a tiny little human, and that's a scary, scary thought--not because I was afraid I couldn't do it, but just because that's an area of life that I know little to nothing about, and I was about to be thrown to the lions.
Everyone told me I would just KNOW when I was in labor. Well, it clearly was not that obvious to me. Call me a little slow, but it didn't really dawn on me that I was in active labor. I had to call the doctor to ask what the criteria was to start moseying on to the hospital. I was trying to make myself fit the exact numbers that he told me--contractions every 4-5 minutes, lasting 60-80 seconds, for one hour--and I was outside of those numbers, so being the genius that I clearly am, I figured it was just a mental thing that I was going through and that I didn't need to head to the hospital. Wanna know my numbers that I wrote down? I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes, lasting waaaaaaaay more than 60 seconds, for an hour. I mean, why did I not think I was in labor? I really can't answer that. Mama recognized it immediately when I called her and in the 7 minute conversation I had had 3 contractions. Her thoughts? "Why the heck are you on the phone with me right now?? Call the hospital you nut!" So, we headed on to labor and delivery and the nurse who saw us first was pretty confident that I was going to be admitted, so we went ahead and signed my life away on all of the hospital papers. When the doctor got there to check me, I was 100% effaced, and like 3-4 cm dilated so they went ahead and got my room ready for me. At this point, my contractions were pretty evil and I waited, and waited to get my epidural because I didn't want to be a pansy! At the point where I decided I really just couldn't handle it anymore, I asked for it. The room was entirely too quiet for my likings because Steven, mama, and my sister were all just watching my contractions on the screen, and I just wanted to feel like a normal human being again. The epidural, which I was terrified of getting, was actually not bad at all. I hate needles. I hate the thought of needles. But I honestly didn't feel a thing. The IV that they had in my hand hurt way worse. Seriously, minus the contractions, the IV was the worst part of the whole experience. And when they went to put in the catheter, they couldn't. Why? Because there was a little noggin' in the way. And when they checked me, they realized this nugget was about to pop. Perhaps if they had checked me prior to getting the epidural, they wouldn't have let me get it. Oh well though, because after that epidural, it was seriously a FUN time. Tons of laughter and jokes were being thrown around, and the hospital staff said they wished every delivery went like that! Mama and Pinky got more than they bargained for because they got stuck in the room with us. Mama was in a wheelchair, and they rolled all the carts in there preparing for delivery and she had no room to roll out. My sister's face went from happy excited to, you've got to be kidding me when she found out she wasn't leaving the room. At 8:30 we were admitted to the hospital, and at 1:23 am on the 17th of April, we had little Noah! The relief after that was amazing.
Can I just brag on hubby for a moment? I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through delivery without him. He was such an amazing "coach," which is really funny considering that I told him he would never be my coach because we just butt heads too much with it (this is all about running of course). He kept me so calm and focused on what I needed to do and he made me not feel scared at all. Even though I know he was absolutely terrified himself, he never showed it once. Honestly, he talked to me like I was running a race, which I think really helped because the sound and thought of racing is so comforting to me. I don't know how single people go through something like that without anyone at all. I feel so blessed to have someone like him in my life to get me through tough things like that. If you're single and have had a kid all on your own, more power to you--you're much stronger than I am, because I would have been such a wuss.
I feel so incredibly blessed to be a mom--which is still so strange for me to say! I mean, I'm only 23, and most of my friends are still not married, and most of them don't have kids, so it makes me feel kind of like an old lady to say "Hi, I'm a mom." But, that's okay, I'll take it.
Surprise, surprise, it's been four months since I've posted anything. So much has happened since then, it's been like a whirlwind. Honestly, I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I knew I'd love my kid, but I never honestly thought I could love someone so tiny so incredibly much. I mean, I thought I blew my socks off after Steven and I got married because I love him more and more as every day passes. But this little guy? He's been in my life for like 2 weeks, and I already ache thinking about when he's going to be all grown up and fall in love with the girl he ends up marrying. But thank goodness I get him for at least the next 18 years of his life. I never planned on spoiling him with frivolous things, but I do plan on spoiling him rotten with some sweet lovins (yes, I know that's not a word, get over it).
I think becoming a mom is something you'll never really get used to because things are constantly changing every day, and you're always learning something new. I thought I learned how not to get peed on, but then it happened 3 other times, and we through a poop in there once just for giggles (yea, I wasn't really laughing). Obviously, I still have a lot to learn in that department, but we're doing fine for right now. I do feel much better now though knowing that I've already gone through labor once. I know I can definitely do it again, especially if my delivery goes how it went this past time. At first, I originally thought that Noah would come before my due date--like, I was almost positive he would. But as time got closer and closer, I realized he definitely wasn't going to come early! Steven said Punkin' would wait until one day later, just to spite me, and he ended up being right (don't you hate it when that happens???). We went to our last doctor's appointment on my due date, the 16th of April, and we were just hoping that I had made some kind of progress. I mean, we had just gone that Friday (the 12th) and I wasn't doing anything at all--no dilating, no effacing, nada--which was kind of disheartening. The doctor ended up telling us that I was 1-2 cm dilated, and 80-90% effaced. I didn't know what it all meant, but he told us that he could schedule me to be induced on Thursday (the 16th was a Tuesday), but he was pretty sure I would go either that night or the next day. Panic, freak out mode ensues. At that point, reality hit, and I realized we were about to have this little nugget. I was about to be responsible for a tiny little human, and that's a scary, scary thought--not because I was afraid I couldn't do it, but just because that's an area of life that I know little to nothing about, and I was about to be thrown to the lions.
Everyone told me I would just KNOW when I was in labor. Well, it clearly was not that obvious to me. Call me a little slow, but it didn't really dawn on me that I was in active labor. I had to call the doctor to ask what the criteria was to start moseying on to the hospital. I was trying to make myself fit the exact numbers that he told me--contractions every 4-5 minutes, lasting 60-80 seconds, for one hour--and I was outside of those numbers, so being the genius that I clearly am, I figured it was just a mental thing that I was going through and that I didn't need to head to the hospital. Wanna know my numbers that I wrote down? I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes, lasting waaaaaaaay more than 60 seconds, for an hour. I mean, why did I not think I was in labor? I really can't answer that. Mama recognized it immediately when I called her and in the 7 minute conversation I had had 3 contractions. Her thoughts? "Why the heck are you on the phone with me right now?? Call the hospital you nut!" So, we headed on to labor and delivery and the nurse who saw us first was pretty confident that I was going to be admitted, so we went ahead and signed my life away on all of the hospital papers. When the doctor got there to check me, I was 100% effaced, and like 3-4 cm dilated so they went ahead and got my room ready for me. At this point, my contractions were pretty evil and I waited, and waited to get my epidural because I didn't want to be a pansy! At the point where I decided I really just couldn't handle it anymore, I asked for it. The room was entirely too quiet for my likings because Steven, mama, and my sister were all just watching my contractions on the screen, and I just wanted to feel like a normal human being again. The epidural, which I was terrified of getting, was actually not bad at all. I hate needles. I hate the thought of needles. But I honestly didn't feel a thing. The IV that they had in my hand hurt way worse. Seriously, minus the contractions, the IV was the worst part of the whole experience. And when they went to put in the catheter, they couldn't. Why? Because there was a little noggin' in the way. And when they checked me, they realized this nugget was about to pop. Perhaps if they had checked me prior to getting the epidural, they wouldn't have let me get it. Oh well though, because after that epidural, it was seriously a FUN time. Tons of laughter and jokes were being thrown around, and the hospital staff said they wished every delivery went like that! Mama and Pinky got more than they bargained for because they got stuck in the room with us. Mama was in a wheelchair, and they rolled all the carts in there preparing for delivery and she had no room to roll out. My sister's face went from happy excited to, you've got to be kidding me when she found out she wasn't leaving the room. At 8:30 we were admitted to the hospital, and at 1:23 am on the 17th of April, we had little Noah! The relief after that was amazing.
Can I just brag on hubby for a moment? I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through delivery without him. He was such an amazing "coach," which is really funny considering that I told him he would never be my coach because we just butt heads too much with it (this is all about running of course). He kept me so calm and focused on what I needed to do and he made me not feel scared at all. Even though I know he was absolutely terrified himself, he never showed it once. Honestly, he talked to me like I was running a race, which I think really helped because the sound and thought of racing is so comforting to me. I don't know how single people go through something like that without anyone at all. I feel so blessed to have someone like him in my life to get me through tough things like that. If you're single and have had a kid all on your own, more power to you--you're much stronger than I am, because I would have been such a wuss.
I feel so incredibly blessed to be a mom--which is still so strange for me to say! I mean, I'm only 23, and most of my friends are still not married, and most of them don't have kids, so it makes me feel kind of like an old lady to say "Hi, I'm a mom." But, that's okay, I'll take it.
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